though its life i know but all i can say is I’m sorry. i wish there were not little kids who are orphans in north-Korean villiages almost dead surviving off bits of food that fell off someone plate from the ground (not floor) of the marketplace in the village. If a guard catches you helping a starving orphan child or talking to them YOU will suffer. If a guard notices another guard not carrying out the brutal north-Korean punishments….that guard will suffer too. Than you look at the main city poo-bong, these are the special few ( G-d forgive me for calling them special – they suffer the same) that do not live in dirt villages in the rural parts of north K’diarrhea. They all suffer, its terribly sad. All the meanwhile kim-jung-un is a fat alcoholic dying of being fat and an alcoholic. Than his evil cunt sister will take over. But hey, I’ve not walked in their shoes but i cant really give them a good excuse for their behavior. They should be killed, they are like the Chinese Hitler. “lol” (drowning man) fuck them.

I have my own pain too, remember that kid i told you about, it was me. you probably guessed that, your probably smart…good for you. some people are so stupid. There is different types of stupid people, there are stupid people who are stupid from the fact that they didn’t suffer to see the whole picture of the world. They are stupid because they are self-righteous. Alan watts says he is most scared of the people that would kill all the evil ones to ensure they don’t do any evil…those do-gooders…now that’s evil – real twisted. I’m thinking of the front desk lady at my old job Karen, her real name. What a cosmic joke. She was the type of dumb bitsh that only ate salad when we had an office party because she needed to stay anorexic so she would look 56 instead of 63.

These types of people immediately hate me because i look at them for what they are…pathetic. The same way i look at my self a lot of times to be honest with you. Especially after i relapse one more time, its just that heroin is so sweet when it rains and it makes me not cry as much. But anyway, so i was working at this office as a case worker…i worked in social services, another cosmic joke. But my co-worker was this giant black woman who i mostly loved. I say mostly because i didn’t like how she kept saying she was oppressed. I was the only white boy in the office, pretty much in the company…except in corporate. they were all jew bastards…mostly my friends i knew them and their families but they sent me in the field. I felt betrayed but whatever. Ultimately, i was fired for being late and disappearing to often. I didn’t see it quite like that but i understand where they were coming from. It rained a lot…

.But Anyway….

so my co worker this berserker of woman with a deep voice like Thor the god of thunder lol. She was cool tho. but she said she would tell her kids (same race marriage) that they had to do everything 10x more just to get noticed like the white man. seems to me were both in the same place….im the one that got fired. Thanks to Karen, im pretty sure. But i was honestly shocked she told her kids that…i found out that many black people really hate white people. Once i found that out i got sad and upset. Like what the fuck did i do? my life has been mostly shit and im pretty sure that drug addicts don’t get white privilege and im also pretty sure that no one cares anymore.

Look, some people are evil and they believe wicked things like being a certain color means i should treat you differently That’s fundamentally wrong because its ignorant, but no one really thinks that anymore. Discrimination on the other hand is real and all i can say is if i see someone that looks like they often engaged in fights, crime and drug dealings…im gonna be cautious. That means black, white, Asian, Mexican, whatever. Fix your community don’t get mad at us cuz we got jumped and robbed multiple times by the black “homie” and now i wanna cross the street when an unknown approaches. I didn’t say black but skin heads scare me too…im just scared. I like to leave the scene quickly..thats my go to move. I would never be caught in any murder mystery or shit like that. As soon as a mutha fucker blinks the wrong way im headin out, i got trauma detection senses… im keepin it real with you. I dont need that, not today. lets move on.

But i see things that i think a lot of people dont. Partly becuase they are dumb which is a fact. Look, life is not fair. We dont all have the same brain and the same dick and you just do the best with what you got. Some people really are just fucked over, and thats sad. It is. like…A dumb guy with a small dick and an ugly face who grew up poor. Well, i hope hes happy tho, im sure G-ds workin’ on him tho.

I’m just saying i think about these things because i need to make sense of this life I’m living. My grandmother always says, things could be worse. That’s true, she’s a sweet lady. I really miss my grandfather the only real man i ever met. I hope I can make him proud of me one day, im sorry i stole so much from him and lied about it.

I mean, i made a decision a long time ago that no matter what kind of evidence they had, i was still not guilty. They could hold up a video and a signed notarized copy of the crime and i would just play dumb. Why? because people like to rub it in your face. People like to “get you”. Look, it wasn’t me shit the fuck up. lets move on.

Of course it was me but I’m not going to give you the ammo to shoot me with it.

You know…i never talk much.

Who would listen to me, most people don’t like me. Not because i talk like this, like a know-it-all fuck boy. No, but it is because i look at them in the exact way they hope no one ever will. I dont do it on purpose, i dont even know im doing it. People say i make them feel unheard, unintelligent, and like im better than them. You guys…..i dont think that stuff. Im always genuinely surprised and sad when i hear people tell me that. People dont like talking to me, but anyway i dont trust them so its fine

Except i get lonely a lot and do drugs but its fine.

Im stopping.

im stopped already actually.

pretty much just like barely anything left.

Im already plugged up on subs i just hate throwing away good food and heroin.

Its just a quirk of mine….lol.

I hate that people make me feel like im immature for using lol. Like, bro you dont even fucking know me. I didn’t do it to downplay what i said cuz im a bitsh. can a niqqa chuckle from time to time. holy fuck. Im kidding. Did i mention people hate texting me? People generally dont like me, its because of the drugs im mostly sure. never tried not doing them long enough to tell so its my best guess. I hate when people look at me like that tho. Like, i see you buddy….im sorry for you and i wish you the best and please leave. I get that alot. When people ask me to leave places, like school and their house and you know places people go. After, i always cry. just inside tho, but i do.

Because i wish i could just leave too

I decided a while ago i woulnt kill myself because at least i can keep my dignity. I may be fired from jobs but i never quit. Except that one time i was in a major meth psychosis and this persian lady kept on adding shit to her order.

Hear me out…

so im working in this jewish store that sells jewish stuff to jewish people, im jewish too so they trust me i guess.

but im working at this store, i had been up for like 5 days and the owner kept leaving the store and than i had to be in charge of the store, which i guess was my job but it felt like a lot ,

i wish i could say i dont think like this and that i dont find it funny. well, i do.

So this lady and her kids, all hectic AF are piling up useless shit on the counter. Mind you, nothing has a price tag and the POS system was the same one they used to sell rocks on Mt Sinai after G-d spoke to the jewish people. IT was old. It was the type of POS system that had absolutely no ryme, reason or order. So you just had to know shit, whch the owner only kinda knew…but he always managed to figure it out. But when he wasn’t there i would just pray that a weird item didn’t come up because than id have to call the owner and figure out where in the Torah it says how to use this stupid system ( he has since gotten a new system). So anyway its like almost time to close, this lady and her hectic AF kids start buying ll the dumb shit that i had to keep making up fake prices for and i just snapped. I just said i cant do this and i left that day. I never did go back

Well i did go back last week actually, were all G.

He gets it, hes a baal tshuvah. That means he super weird anywhere except deeply embedded within the jewish community. My kind of people. The jewish community is the best except for the weird pedo stuff which is terrible and they should be stopped, decipher that how you will. But mostly they are good people.

I remember when i first got involved with the jewish community i started meeting all the other kids (around 17/18 my first encounter with a real jew) with this weird funking sparkle in their eye. Like some type of glimmer or glisten. It was super sad cuz i never had a glimmer…

where the fuck is my glimmer.?

But i stopped feeling sorry for myself when i was like 23 because its sick behavior. I realized i liked making myself sad and making myself cry, i still like it, but i don’t do it. And i dont tell my kids they are oppressed victims either

…if i had any

I probably wont since im basically gay.

I dont fall in love or anything ….so im not sure.

just sex.

kidding.

but im not, not attracted to women …..

but lets just say i dont have any straight dating apps on my phone.

so …well it is what it is.

I didn’t want to be gay, i cried when i found out. No one has ever seen me cry, the tears dont come until im alone than i cant stop, its sad. I remember i was like 12 years old and i was alone alot and i was already sad by then….no glimmer. But i remember somehow concluding i was a faggot and i started to cry. I didn’t know what to do, i didn’t want to tell anyone. honestly i had no one to tell. so i cried for a while in the backyard on this old green wrought-iron swinging chair thing covered in spiders. Once the shock wore off i got TF out of there. It was gross. But i decided i just wouldn’t tell anyone and would just forget about it.

I proceeded to fantasize about every boy in school until i dropped out of high school….so much for forgetting about it. To this day ive never had a relationship with a boy or girl. i dont know why, people say im attractive, though i really dont think so. But i dont trust people

people let me down, now im fucked.

im getting better tho. I hooked up with people but never a relationship. i always wanted to know what it would be like to have a fight or break-up or have make-up sex or be in love. I still dont know. Its kinda sad but it is what it is i guess. I still cry about it, at least i can feel pain now. Thats better than feeling nothing. I always wondered like what would it be like if someone chose me instead of someone else. and they kept choosing me, ive yet to have that experience. Im not saying its not all my fault. Im almost certain it is. the problem is i genuinely dont like being alive and i really dislike myself and i can not imagine anyone liking me.

so i wouldn’t know if someone ever did.

Plus im really stupid about the guys i get attracted to….always the ones who dont like me. The ones that do like me i find boring. Im pretty sure its all just trauma stuff and how i feel like i need to earn love and if its just given it doesn’t compute. I need to feel unwanted and unimportant for me to like you. But than im smart enough to know that if your gonna treat me like that than fuck you. Than i block them because i convinced myself they are assholes like everyone else. People get sick of being blocked constantly, i always regret it. But people get sick of it. I understand that, so i move on. sort of.

I cry about that too. so i don’t know how that will turn out. ill probably be alone forever, aside from the occasional grindr hook up.

I never bottom in case your wondering, im more of a specialist. Some gay guy once told me that if he had a heart problem he would see a heart specialist. that’s why he only hooks up with just tops. Im like a doctor i guess lol.

But im too needy while also being completely avoidant. It scares me how much i want to be close to some people that i end up just staying alone all the time, like right now.

…and i do alot of drugs, like right now.

keeps me skinny tho. makes my dick look nice. im terrible. but anway well im gald i decided to write this. Maybe ill start a blog for weird people like me and also for good people who find it interesting that people like me exist. They wouldn’t like me if we met, who knows. we wont so it doesn’t matter. anyway….signing off. remember today is my last day off drugs. ill be honest with you when i post next.

i promise.