Louis Armstrong sang that song so well didn’t he? i think what’s his name did too….sang the twist song…no it was Danca shayn….im looking it up hold on. oh yea, i remembered Wayne newton…The good Ol Days….

Either way

Hello.

Im starting my first sober day soon. I have almost no drugs left i would say about .1 of black and .2 of clear. I always put milk in my coffee, but soon ill be off that all together.

Listen, I started using rugs when i was about 15 im 30 now. I have tried every rehab and every 12 step program and the truth is that they all work for someone who’s done using drugs or alcohol. For the person who says im done, anything works. So too, the opposite

Ive been such a coward with drugs i keep trying to be a regular citizen and a full time drug addict, it cant be done. trust me, i tried. Even if no one “knows” but they do know, still destroy myself and my soul in the process

I have been using now for about a year, im off heroin and im off crystal and i have been taking 24mg of suboxone for a week now. Suboxone is a drug that blocks the heroin from reaching your brain. Suboxone blocks the dopamine receptors in the brain that the heroin latches on to, they get all plugged up with suboxone.

So, i have all the suboxone in me and i keep getting high, not even getting high. and keep taking suboxone….that is insanity!

I dont know why im telling you this, ive never told anyone this , not ever. But i am a dumboyy afterall, i really am.

I remember when i was about 17 things had already gotten bad, i was using drugs and partying and dropped out of school…but i was so smart. i knew everything. My dad told me that he sees me as the smart homeless guy at the encamptment. when they are all sharing stories around the trashcan fire he said ll be the smart one with the good stories. I thought he made a good point, i defenitly agreed that id be that guy. But i wouldn’t be that guy, id kill myself probally.

no i wouldn’t, i dont think i would.

But like i sid i have almost no desire to be alive. My therapist said that i have the highest deathdrive she had ever seen. That is a drive that some people have subconsciously to kill themselves. She says i want to kill myself so badly but consciously i dont so my subcocious the deeper part of me which isn’t integrated into me wants to die. I agree with that.

But who wouldn’t want to not wake up one day? like realizing theres no school that day but forever.

I never tried to kill myself because i think it is weak and i would feel bad for my mom. After i wrote the first blog i flt rally weird like i did smething as myself for the first time ever. I dont talk to people, mostly i listen. I realize people get bored when i talk so i stopped talking.

When i went to my therapist, oh shit…by the way your not gonna like what i said to her. well she fired me. But she would say that i talked alot and she thought i was like that all the time. I talked to her like im talking to you….she had to listen so i got to talk. Im always scared that if i start talking people will get bored and never want to talk to me again

it sounds kind of crazy when i write it, but im pretty sure its true.

But anyway, so i call my therapist one day and i says to her i relapsed again. She tried to make go to rehab i said no. no. no. (that was fun) but i said no because i went like 15 times what is the actual point, i knew i needed to keep trying to live my life and not keep going to rehab. By the way, ie never payed for rehab, i always go to the state run ones, now in California ( for any international guests) we have med-cal which pays for 6 months of rehab as ten as needed. So i went a bunch.

It was not like a hotel, or a vacation. It was like rehab. Its the worst. i grew up in AA meetings and rehabs, so im grateful for that but im done with rehab. Unless i was homeless with no money, (which was like a week away but G-D came thru) but that hasn’t happened yet.

By teh way, i dont believe in the G-D you do, so relax. I believe G-D is….something unknowable, real, art of me, greater than me, i am in communion with G-D always. potentially i could be, im usually baking muffins with the devil. The devil is the mind guided by instinct (animal nature which is evil) G-D is a higher state of conciouness which is above the aimal, its f a supernal source. G-d is infinite intelligence, I am infinite stupidity

lol.

im actually really sad about all this but i already cried about it so i just laugh now. anyway, sometimes i cry still. But when i look around i see everything manifesting itself in greater and greater coherence adn complexity. The world left alone doesn’t get in its own way. Humans do tho, we get in our own way. i get in my own way.

I dont wanna be a loser forever. I wont be, i want to feel what its like to want to be alive. to look forward to something. I just dont care about anything. nothing ever was worth the amount of suffering so…so far this doesn’t make sense to me. Im not claiming to have had the worst suffering as a kid, it wasn’t great but i know people who had it much worse.

I told you about the kids in north korea? I have nothing to say after that. It just that im very sensitive, thats why im alwys upset. Most people dont notice things, but i do and it hurts me. When people lie, and have big Egos and aabuse others and belittle and pretend to be better than someone else. I find that very sad to see. I feel like im too empathic and life is too upsetting, but that is not a realistic position to take. So i dont say that. I cant say that beuase it would be a spiral to being a victim and having a reason to die

i don’t want that

I just want my apartment, a boyfriend, a dog, my own company, and go to he gym and ill be happy. I just got my own apartment and car recently, first time ever. All in my name, paid by me. Almost lost it but like i said, it didn’t happen

I remember when i was 14, thats when i started smoking weed. i loved it as soon as i tried it. The next day i stole my dads cigarettes and was smoking weed and cigarettes. I loved it. I haven’t been sober since…not really….but i dont smoke cigarettes anymore. that stuff is bad for you.

lol

its all bad, i know.

But i was smoking weed at age 14 in the bathroom at my family house, i was in the bathroom. it had a door that opened to the backyard so i pop my head out and smoke “while taking a shower” nd get the dog high. Napolean loved it too…he did. He was a good boy…hard to find good boys these days SMH.

But anyway…i remember for the first time while high the thought occurred to me….does anybody love me? I started laughing beuase i thought it was a ridiculous idea, of course not its not possible thats what i told myself i didn’t really think anything of it until i was like 23 when i realized i was sick in the head a bit. but i laughed. I never got a hug frm any girl at school and i pretended to be a appy kid to everyone i knew. I was always sad but i didn’t know what think about that i ignored it.

I think back now to that kid….i feel so bad for him. Its me…i know. But then i was uncocouss much more than i am now. I received an F in every class since 2nd grade and above, i didn’t grauate high svhool i did not attend university.

I thought it was all because i was in the closet which i was in till i was in until 23. buy that i moved to west Hollywood to be gay and i just started having more sex.

actually what happened was there was one person a got very attached to. I dont think i loved him, its just that we would sleep together every night, when we were going to sleep i would hold him and one night i started crying but very quietly. i cried all night that night. and i cried every night when i would hold him. I didnt even want to have sex anymore, but we did. than we would go to “sleep”. I would cry… i was so happy and sad at the same time.

He had his own issues and things didn’t work out. But i felt something….

i never felt anything before that.

I really wished he would of stayed longer…

i think he cried at night too….we never spoke about it.

but from then on i knew i was lacking seriously in love adn affection adn all the feelings i stuffed down starting coming out. i cried for so long…months….i still cry sometimes, but not lke it was. i was just plain sad. I realized i had been very sad for a long time. And i wish i knew sooner,

bu see the problem is i developed this terrible drug habit. Because drugs made me happy-er. I smiled when i was high. I talked to people, i made plans to do things ( which i never did) i wanted to wake up finally…to get high. T this day the only thing i can wake up for with no problem for is heroin. Anything else kind of sucks,

but this blog is nice

I never got to tell anyone this befor. I feel like i have so much to say, so ill keep writing i guess.

i played alone alot as a kid. My favorite was to play outside alone and imagine i was in a big war and that i was the hero who could save everyone. There was always some big evil villin that would come up and beat everyone but i was able to kill him than the world would be peaceful again….the peace would last a long time and all the soldiers and the warriers would be gone. No more army, no more wars but i stated alive because i was a superhero so i live much longer than everyone else. I would be an old man living in so old shed and than some evil would return to the world….only now i was too old to fight. I knew how but my strength was gone….and than by happenstance someone would come to my door. I would come out and it would be some young jpuryman type person who was sort of a half warrior type of person. He want really a realy fighter just that he had to be since the evil villin came back and the men had no choice but to make an army but they were not trained. Not like when i was younger fighting….that was a real army. ( this was the same story i play out almost everyday as a kid) When the guy would knock at my door i would pretend to be a senile old man but really i was like merlin the magician or something like that….and someow this kid knew who i was. He recognized me! And i would always be so shocked but than i would remember there was a prophecy that when there was no one left one would appear and it would be my job to train him. so i would train him. The day would come to fight the evil person again. I didn’t let the student o alone, he wasn’t ready to fight but there was no more time. I wuld give him my speial enchanted eapon and we went to fight the evil villain. When the villin came, immeaditily he recognized me….he remembered me…it was the same evil villin onlyhe replished himself and i got old and weak. he would kill me. And i would continue on playing the game as the boy who wasn’t properly trained but had the powerful weapon as a gift. Almost dying myself, the boy would in ad peace was restored.

I must have repeated that story in my head and with play swords and guns and whatever else you can imagine a thusand times. Im sure theres so psychoanalytical meaning behind it. anyway….taht ws my childhood

until i was using drugs.

once i started to wake up to the fact that i had alot of issues adn my childhood was “abusive’ i began to see tings from a different perspective. I still hate my parents i want to forgive them but i dont care to see them again though i do still talk to my mom at times. but only very briefly. They are evil kind of. IDK. Its not safe for me

Today i can keep mysef safe. i know that much. Aside from using drugs which is really bad, i dont let anyone hurt me. I made my life safe asdie from the drugs which is stopping.

Maybe being gay is “wrong” idk. IDC really i cant change it so what difference would it make hating myself. Its not that i just wat to be happy i think that is a bad way to live. i want to be healthy, not happy

no drugs, nobody that threatens me, no one that make me do nythign i dont want to, and i treat people with kindness if they deserve it. If im not sure i withhold judgement. I just try to love myself the best i can. I dont at all. But i do try

If i was my son, i would have been a good dad to me. I have siblings which i dont talk to really, i dont think they like me very much to be honest but im really not sure. I think its sad that i feel like this, but what use would it be to are about that. i cry when i need to i dont restict my feelings but i dont endulge in them either.

frustratingly!…I cant have relationships with people because i dont trust anyone i get paranoid and begin to feel very unsafe and anxious and i panic. and no one likes it when im like that. I dont explain because i dont think i should dump my problems on anyone.

Although i did get honest once in my life with one person. i did love one person he got married recently i went ot his wedding. That was tough. but i remember one night i told him everyting. How i was really sad all the time and that he was the ony person who ever seemed excited to see me and that kind of changed my life

We still talk but i moved away shortly after because …idk….i wanted to go to this job and make a bunch of money. which i did, but i haf to say goodbye to him. I miss him everyday. i block him all the time so that i odnt message him because he might not respond so i dont try. Its over anyway it was a moment in time, but i taught me that its possible for someone to love me.

I was like the grinch seeing the who peple sing and dance after loosing their presents. My heart grew alot bigger. Its a wonderful thing to be loved. Its like water in the desert. It takes so long to go back to having no one to talk to though, thats the only part that i dont like. But anyway thats it for now….pray for this dumboyy please.